.isolation.

One of the things I have always heard about raising a child with special needs is how alone and isolated you can often feel. While there have been plenty of times where I have felt like we were the only ones facing the challenges we are, I have always had a great support system surrounding me.

And that is still the case, however, I am beginning to realize that the season of life we are in, is lending itself to being a very lonely and isolating time for us.

Me in particular.

Being the primary care giver for the boys, my whole purpose is to meet their needs, take care of them and manage their schedules. Basically my entire life revolves around them. Which is the case for most stay at home mom's, but I'm beginning to realize just how different it is for us.

Instead of play dates and sports games, I spend my days at doctor appointments and therapy.

Instead of being able to go to the park and let the kids play, I have to physically help the boys do everything while the other moms are able to stand around and have conversations and get to know each other.

When I get invitations to go to the children's museum or other activities, I almost always have to turn the offer down because I am not physically able to do it with both boys being so limited in their mobility. And their behavior and mood swings are also very difficult to deal with in large groups or play date type situations.

It's almost impossible for me to build community and relationships while I am tending to the boys' needs. And the unfortunate thing is that I'm not just being a "helicopter mom" and hovering over them, I have no choice but to help them with everything because they are unable to do it for themselves.

I would rather they gain experiences and enjoy doing activities, rather than me build relationships.

And it's not just the physical people that I am surrounded by, but the long distance relationships and friendships I have are so much harder to maintain.

I can barely spend time talking on the phone without them screaming for my attention and needing help with something, and to be quite honest, by the time nap time does come around, the last thing I want to do is expend more energy talking on the phone. I am spent and need that time to recharge.

Usually I just want to sit. In the quiet. With no one needing me.

Is that selfish?!

 I struggle with even voicing these feelings because I feel as though people will take pity on me or feel as though I am ungrateful for the life I have been given. But I feel as though its necessary for me to document and put words to this portion of our journey. Because it is a very real part of the road we are walking.

I'm coming to the realization that this season of life we are in is only going to be more isolating and more complicated as they get older because the gap between their abilities and others around them is only growing.

 However, the good news in that, is that this is a season.

And seasons change, and I have hope that life will indeed get a little bit easier someday. And I'm looking forward to that season. After speaking with other parents of kids with special needs they never say it get's easier, but the needs change. And most have given me hope that someday in the future I will have more independence and I will be able to enjoy watching the boys do things on their own.

Because someday's balancing it all just seems so overwhelming. I want the friendships and the community-but I'm too exhausted to try. I want the freedom to be able to do fun things with the boys-but it is too much of a hassle most of the time.

And I'm not sure that anyone not walking in my shoes will completely understand the isolation or loneliness that comes from raising Parker and Lane. They absolutely are the light of my life, but their needs come at a cost and often times that cost is me.

With our baby girl due to make her appearance any day now, I am anxious about what that is going to look like. 

Is it even possible for me to leave the house with all 3 of them?

Will I be able to get involved in things or will my sole purpose be just the kids?

How will I manage the intense needs of all 3 of them by myself?

So many unknowns and so much to learn. I have to catch myself from thinking too hard about it because I know that we will figure it out and I know God will provide. And worrying only causes more isolation.

Just as He has through this whole journey, God has met me exactly where I am. And this season of loneliness and isolation is only drawing me deeper into my relationship with Jesus.

And in reality- being a good steward of what I have been given (Parker & Lane) and building my relationship with Jesus is all that matters in this life anyways.

And I am trying to be thankful for all seasons-even the tough ones.