.therapy.

We are no strangers to therapy in our household. 

In fact, I spend a minimum of 3 days a week at a therapy clinic with the boys and could easily increase it to 5. 

At this point in their development, therapy is absolutely necessary and the more we can get, the better chance they get at having independence and reaching their full potential.

And while I don't necessarily need therapy to help me walk or talk, walking this unexpected journey leaves me needing therapy of my own.

Therapy of the Heart. Soul. Mind.

I was thinking the other day about what my "outlet" is. How I cope with all of this I am dealing with. 

At first I didn't have an answer. I don't have a huge hobby or talent that I immediately turn to when things get tough. 

I know there's a lot of things I would like to be an outlet for me (pure barre, pedicures, shopping, traveling, real counseling, etc) but to be quite frank, all of our money goes to medical expenses and any extra hobbies or extracurriculars just aren't possible right now.

And that's okay. 

And I'm really okay with that because I see how much the boys are thriving where they are at and I can't imagine it being any other way. My "sacrifices" seem so so minor in comparison to the life changing skills my boys are developing.

But I do know I need to take care of myself. Because if I'm not healthy, in all areas of my life, then I am not able to effectively take care of my family. 

But the more I feel myself not being able to "do it all on my own" or notice my need for help, my pride gets in the way.

I get stubborn and try even harder to do it all.

To not ask for help.

To do more, even though I shouldn't. 

To pull back from relationships and internalize everything.

And then I get to my breaking point.

And that's when i know I need to have some therapy of my own. 

While I originally couldn't figure out what my "outlet" was...I realized I was overthinking it.

There are a lot of little things that help do therapy on my heart, soul and mind.

Creating-whether it's a simple craft or a big project, I love to create. I'm not the most talented crafter or most creative, but I love starting from nothing and ending with a finished product. Just getting on the computer and playing around in photoshop for a few hours or going to hobby lobby and roaming the aisles helps to heal me.

Running-this is a tough one for me because running truly is one of the biggest healing processes for me...BUT...can also become too competitive for me and I lose my ability to heal through it. What I love about running is that it pushes you. You have to use your whole body to complete the task and it's usually just you, the pavement, and God. Lots of time to think through things, pray through things, and gain perspective. I do have to remind myself that even if my time or distance isn't record speed or length, the process of getting out there, pushing myself, and getting that alone time is sufficient.

Writing/Blogging- I've said it before, but this blog has honestly helped me heal. It's allowed me to be vulnerable, to get my thoughts out, and to share. I've always loved to write, but time in not something I have in excess right now and I have a hard time finding a chunk of time to sit down and write out what I'm feeling. Usually it happens when I reach my breaking point, and what you get it so real and raw that I even surprise myself with what I'm sharing. But I can't tell you how therapeutic it is to write it out. To process it. To finally let the tears flow. And once I'm done writing, my heart feels mended. Like it's thanking me. 

These are simple and easy things for me to do, yet somehow I usually find myself getting to the breaking point before I will start to heal.

And good therapy helps to make things better. To prevent things before they start. And I'm trying to focus on that.

To recognize that I need my time to heal as well. It takes work to set aside the time. To go for a run. To let the tears fall.

But that's what makes it worth it. And just like I tell my boys everytime they go to therapy...

"What are you gonna do today at therapy?"

And with pure excitement in his voice Parker will respond with "WORK HARD!"

I need to adapt that same attitude that I will work hard to make sure I get my therapy too.

.reality sucks.

Today is one of those days where I'm not sure which way is up.

Since we got Lane's diagnosis a month ago, things have gone surprisingly well and I have felt really good. I have truly felt the love and the prayers from everyone and can't thank you all enough for your kind words.

While paying some bills and filling out therapy paperwork, I wrote down the date.

10.8.13

We are 10 days away from Lane's first birthday. And I had imagined him at such a different place by his first birthday.

I had imagined him crawling, and walking, and talking, and doing all of the things that typical one year olds do.

Instead we are only just sitting, and spend our days in therapy, and are constantly working on keeping up and not trying to get anymore behind.

And trust me, I don't take for granted any of the milestones that Lane has hit, because I know it could be so much worse.

But man, hitting that first birthday and it being so much different than I had expected is tough.

Like, really tough.

I think I have been okay with him being where he is at because he's not yet one, and so he is still considered a baby. People don't question too much when he's not doing certain things. It's allowed me to kind of hide behind the facade that he is "normal" because he's still a baby.

But once they turn one, it changes.

There are more expectations for them. 

They go from babies to toddlers.

They are able to do more, say more, be more.

And that means I have to face reality all the more, because he really does have Joubert Syndrome, and he isn't at where a one year old should be.

It's hard. It sucks. And I just want to stop time.

I want to stop time and allow him to catch up. To be able to play with the kids his age. Do the things kids his age do. Instead of getting more and more behind and having to work so hard to catch up.

But I'm thankful we get to even celebrate a first birthday. And although it's not exactly what I have imagined, we have this amazing son we get to call our own!

And I know it will be a beautiful celebration of all that has happened over the last year and all the hope for what is to come.

But sometimes reality kicks your ass and today is one of those days!