.unexpected gifts.

Elyse turned 8 months old just a few days ago.

8 month old.

And she's smiley, and beautiful, and crawling and getting into everything, and just the most absolute perfect addition to our family.

I gave her a bath the other night and as I was putting her pajamas on and brushing her hair I was overcome with such emotion.

Such gratitude and undeserved grace.

 (Side note: I took this picture after having this emotional moment because I wanted to remember my gratitude and blessing at that exact moment. She is mid whine/cry here but let's pretend it's a smile k?! )

A year and a half ago when I took that pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant, I was so filled with fear that I could not see the beauty in what was happening.

I cried tears of desperation to God. Was absolutely paralyzed by the fear of what my life was going to look like with 3 kids - all of whom could have special needs as we didn't know if Elyse would have Joubert Syndrome or not.

To be completely honest, my life is hard. I have more than enough things to be thankful for and we are so very fortunate in so many ways-please don't think I am ungrateful for my abundant blessings. But raising two boys with special needs is really hard. Much harder than I lead on.

There are so many struggles that I have on a daily basis that no one even sees or knows about. 

And at the time I found out I was pregnant, I just could not even comprehend what adding another person would look like. I felt stretched to capacity with the boys, there was no way I was going to be able to add the extra responsibility of a baby.

I knew in my head how lucky we were to be pregnant again, and I knew that God had a bigger plan through all of this, but at the time I just couldn't process through it all.

Fast forward to today, and I cannot even imagine our life without Elyse being a part of it. The relationship she has started to develop with the boys, the way I see them growing and maturing into being her protectors, the ways the show love and care of each other, all of it amazes me.

In a lot of ways Elyse becoming part of our family has been healing for me. It's been a blessing to see what it's like to raise a typically developing child and watch her reach her milestones- and trust me, NONE of those milestones go unnoticed. It seems like a miracle every time Elle does something that is age appropriate. You have no idea what it's like to watch your children struggle every single day of their life, and then to have their sister do those same things seemingly without even trying. It's both heartbreaking and miraculous at the same time. It's helped to give me perspective into the similarities and differences there are when raising both special needs and typically developing children.

I've been able to see that God really does have our best interests at heart and he had been hearing my prayers all along. He knew my desire for a big family and he met my needs even when I didn't think it was the right answer. 

Having Elyse be born into our family gives me hope for the boys and what their future will be like. It makes me thankful that she will be around after we are gone to look after and care for her brothers. Because those are things that special needs parents have to think about. Those are the kinds of things that keep us up at night.

But my sweet boys are already trying to teach her things and protect her in their own sweet and caring ways. And sometimes or really most of the time they are being typical 4 year old and 2 year old boys and rough housing with her. But she loves it and it's a way they show affection towards her...plus it will make her tough :)

I've seen God work miracles through Parker and Lane and I have felt like God has chosen me and given me a special calling to raise these boys. They are my world, my life, my heart and soul.

And he's also now given me the added bonus of being Elle's mom as well.

And I'm just so overwhelmed at that unexpected blessing and gift.

Because I couldn't have ever predicted that it would happen. Or that she would complete our family so perfectly.

Life is still overwhelming with 3 kids. Somedays are so mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting that I'm not sure I can go on. But then I have moments like the other night, when I'm getting Elyse ready for bed and I just cannot believe that this is my life.

That I have these 3 gifts, and they were all planned so perfectly and so opposite of what I would have ever planned or imagined for myself.

And that's the beauty of all of it.

These unexpected gifts that God bestows on us.

And I'm learning to embrace it, because it is always better than what I could imagine.

.crossroads.

Being a parent, especially a mom, is interesting these days. Because of the internet, there are so many opinions about what is the "best" way to parent and how people should raise their kids, that it becomes ugly. Instead of all being in this journey together, we are fighting against each other and masking our own insecurities with pride.

Being a special needs mom is both easier and harder in some respect to these "mommy wars". In a lot of ways, I have been able to let go of a lot of the expectations that other moms have put out there because it doesn't apply to my kids. I can't expect that they are going to be doing their own laundry by the time they are 3 because they can't even walk yet. I can't expect that they are going to be reciting the alphabet by age 1 because at age 2 1/2 we are still struggling with speech delays. And in a lot of ways it is so freeing. Because I can read articles and blogs and realize that our situation is different and those "rules" don't apply to me.

But in other ways it is so much harder. I can't put my kids in all those summer activities because of their limitations. I cannot meet other moms at the park for playdates because we are a crazy train and I don't have enough hands to carry all my kids and their crap stuff needed for a day at the park...not to mention most parks aren't suitable for their needs. And we can't just jump in and do what other moms of kids their ages are doing because everything with the boys is a little more complex.

So this has left me at a crossroads of sorts lately. Where exactly do I fit?

In high school I was involved in every activity available and was an athlete, in college I was a student and worked on campus, after college I became a wife and was a career woman.

And then I became a mom.

A *mom. 

There is an asterisk there because my experience being a mom is so much different than almost everyone I meet. And even being a special needs mom doesn't necessarily bring the community that you would expect.

My boys don't have austism or Down syndrome, which seem to be the most common special needs most people know about. There are so many groups and resources for families affected by this, and it's amazing, but we don't fit there.

My boys are deeply affected in the low muscle tone which really limits their mobility-so right now we are caught between crawling everywhere and using a walker. But they aren't using a wheelchair so we don't really fit within that aspect of the special needs community, but they aren't walking independently either so we don't fit in that category either.

And I think I'm caught somewhere between being a mom and a caretaker. I get to enjoy a lot of aspects of being a mom and the relationship with my children, but I also have to take on the caretaker role because of the complexity of their syndrome and all it entails. 

It's a really strange and lonely place to be sometimes. Kind of on our own island trying to figure everything out.

And sometimes I long for those other identities that I used to hold. 

What would it be like to still be a career woman? To be using my brain everyday and experiencing career success?

What would it be like to be the mom I imagined my life would be? To be going to sports games and playdates? To be a mom with children who were independent and fully mobile?

And it grieves my heart that sometimes I feel like I need to entertain these things. Or that I even feel so lost and without an identity. 

I know I am the daughter of the King, and that God chose me for this specific job.

And it's great, it really is. I have the most beautiful family and I love them more than I could ever explain. But it is hard. And lonely. And completely different than what I ever imagined or dreamed.

So I am searching and praying and trying to find contentment in where I am at, but also striving for community and relationships and people to walk through this unexpected journey with us.

And I'm not sure how to do that or what it looks like, but I am searching and learning and growing through this everyday.

.back at it.

Remember that one time I used to blog?! Oh yeah, me too.

It's been a hot second since I've sat down to blog. We welcomed a new baby to the family and between balancing life with 3 kids, the holidays, tax season, buying a new house, training for a half marathon, and just normal therapy for the boys and life obligations, blogging has taken a back seat.

But I have missed it so much. I miss writing and sharing and growing and learning. Writing has quickly become a therapeutic exercise for me and with dealing with the boys' needs, I am learning how important it is for me to take that time to write.

The boys are doing well and continuing to progress. Lane has gone from just kind of army crawling to full blown crawling, cruising, walking in a walker, and starting to use words and communicate. He has always had stronger muscle tone than Parker, so now that he has figured it out there seems to be no stopping him. He wants to do everything that Parker does so he finds a way to do it!! He is hilarious and determined and its so fun to see his personality emerging :)

Parker is making slow but steady progress. His balance has gotten much better and I think that is in large part to his horse therapy. He is still cruising along in his walker and gaining more endurance. His language has expounded greatly and he is starting to be able to explain his emotions and feelings and that has been huge in controlling his fits and meltdowns. Despite our challenges with him, he has such a fun personality and is really starting to mature. I see glimpses every once in a while of big boy Parker and its fun to watch him grow.

Elyse is such a joy! She is the most smiley and happy baby. She has been such a gift to us and has been meeting and exceeding her milestones. It is so surreal to watch a baby developing typically and I am seriously in shock every time she does something new. We waited for so long for the boys to do some of these things and to watch her do them literally brings me to tears. Both happy and sad tears. It makes me so happy that she does not have to deal with the challenges that her big brothers do, but it breaks my heart that the boys have those challenges and have to work so hard to do everything. She just started to army crawl and has been pulling up a little bit and trying to get on all fours. Considering she is only 7 months, we are thrilled (and a little scared of what this means..hehe) that she is already doing these things.

Life with three is intense at times. There is never any down time and someone always needs something from me. I love it and struggle with it all at the same time. Feeling spread too thin and not able to meet everyone's needs (including my husband and my own). But I absolutely love the new dynamic of having three children and feel blessed to parent both genders, and both special needs and a typically developing child as well. Always keeps me learning and growing and desperate for the grace and love of Jesus.

We are getting ready to head to the Joubert Syndrome conference in July and we couldn't be more thrilled. I think it is going to be a very healing time for us as we connect with other families walking the same path as us and build those relationships. We are excited (and nervous) to take all the kids to Chicago and will be posting all about our trip as it takes place.

Each day is a new adventure and brings about challenges and successes and victory and defeat. It's a crazy season of life we are in, but feel lucky that we are able to experience it!!