.reflections and new beginnings.

I looked at the calendar the other day and realized just how quickly this year is coming to an end.

In just a few short weeks, it will be 2012!! Where has the time gone?

Part of me is really glad to see 2011 come to an end. This year has been extremely tough on our family. We have fought some pretty tough battles and our lives have been forever changed. I'm ready for a fresh start, to put this year of trials behind us and start having life be a little "easier" {whatever that means}.

But a part of me is extremely grateful for this challenging year.

I was looking back through pictures of last Christmas and New Years and it is honestly really hard for me to look at those pictures. To see the hope, the naivety, that we were so blissfully unaware of what was to come in the next year.

Christmas 2010

Life was perfect...I had my new baby boy, we owned a home, had a great marriage, stable jobs. Everything was perfect in my little world.

Christmas 2010

I could have never guessed just how radically my life was about to change in 2011.

New Years 2010

...I want to cry, to scream at those pictures...IF YOU ONLY KNEW what was coming...

.

We. Had. No. Idea.

The first few months of 2011 brought a new tax season {which is always challenging},  a foot long blood clot for Nick and a series of tests, ultrasounds, bloodwork, etc. It brought the change of accounts at work for me to a busy and crazy account, the diagnosis of Parker's eye condition Nystagmus-that later lead to the diagnosis of Joubert Syndrome. Balancing 2 full time jobs, daycare, hospitals, blood work, endless appointments, physical therapy, education therapy, MRI's, and many other challenges.

MRI-March 2011 {diagnosed with Joubert Syndrome on March 9th}

I had to think about things like "what would I do if I lost Nick and became a single mom" to then thinking about "what would I do if I lost Parker".

And both of those things were possible are still possible.

I went from worrying about Nick working too many hours, to making sure he got his shots and took his blood thinners. I found myself watching him like a hawk to make sure that a part of the blood clot didn't break off and go to his heart {as if I could control that}.

Parker using a Physical Therapy tool to help build his core strength

I went from worry about Parker sleeping through the night and get breastmilk instead of formula, to researching kidney failure, retina deterioration, low muscle tone, early intervention, wheelchairs and walkers {all things associated with Joubert Syndrome}. I found myself taking pictures of us together everyday, just in case one day down the road I didn't have him around to take pictures with anymore...at least I would have those pictures.

A self timer pic to capture a moment with Parker and I

My life was turned upside down in 2011 and to be honest, I'm not sure how I even survived those first few months.

I was purely in survival mode. I tried to keep a brave face, to smile, to do a good job at work and make dinner everynight. To keep some sense of normal in our lives.

first time swinging at the park-April 2011

The Lord really carried me through those days. But even in the darkest of days, I had a peace that God was in control and that all things would work out for the good.

Looking back, it is really crazy for me to see how much this last year changed and formed me as a person. Every part of who I am was tested this year. My character, my relationships, my faith, my work ethic.

Everything.

And I can honestly say that I am a better person because of this year.

I had to really dig deep....really figure out who I am, what I believe, and why.

I have never felt so close to God one minute, and so far away from God the next.

But He is the only thing that got me through this last year. Knowing that His plan is so much greater than my own, and really trusting that He won't give me more than I can handle.

Snuggling with Daddy-May 2011

Because at times, at times, I felt like all of this was WAY more than I could handle.

But it wasn't, and because of it, I have a deeper faith, deeper relationships with others, a stronger marriage, more patience, perspective, confidence, and a beautiful and special son that I wouldn't trade for anything in the whole world.

First hair cut-July 2011

I am entering this new year of 2012 with the same hopes for the future as I did upon entering 2011. But this year I am a different person, and those hopes and dreams are rooted in purpose and intentional living.

First Birthday-July 2011

That no matter the circumstances we face, the Lord gives and takes away and we praise His name regardless.

It has been amazing to see just how big of a God we serve and how the circumstances in our lives have helped shape those closest to us as well.

It's amazing to see how many lives Parker has changed already. This little guy is already doing big things, and I am amazed everyday at how many people are touched by his life. God has big plans for him in this next year and the years to come. I can't wait to see what they are!

I pray that this next year will be an easier season of life for us, a more peaceful and restful year.

Random Family Pic-November 2011

But that we keep the same desperation and hunger for the Lord that we did during this crazy year of 2011.

And that next year I can look back at 2012 with a greatful heart, knowing that I was changed and shaped as a person even more than I am now.

Snowflake Lane-Christmas time 2011