.one year.

**I wrote this post about a month ago in the midst of some really tough days. I struggled with whether or not to post it, but I want this blog to be a place where I can look back and remember the good, the bad, and the ugly as we walk through this journey**

Just a few weeks ago marked the 1 year anniversary of Parker's diagnosis of Joubert Syndrome.

One year.

Part of me feels like it was just yesterday and then again it feels like it was years ago.

I decided to read through the blog post I wrote shortly after Parker was diagnosed. I didn't think it was going to be so hard for me to get through it. The wounds are still so fresh. And although I have grown significantly in the last year and have learned that this is our new normal, it still hurts.

It hurts so deep.

I was trying to reflect on what God has taught me over the last year, but I'm not sure I even can understand what He has been trying to teach me through this all.

I have learned complete and utter dependence, I have learned what it's like to be at your absolute breaking point, to experience the greatest blessing I could have ever imagined and at the same time greater pain than I could ever have imagined.

I have learned that it's all a process and I am definitley still a work in progress. It seems like over the past year I have been to the point where I think this is all I can handle, and then I am pushed farther.

Over and over again.

I'm trying to cling to His promises that He is good and will never give us more than we can bear, but

to be honest...

To be honest, there are days when I can't say that I believe it. I'm exhausted, tired, pushed to my limit and trying to be the best mom and wife I can be. They say that no one can understand what it's like to be a special needs parent until you experience it. And I whole heartedly agree. No one can explain the emotional roller coaster you are constantly on. How emotionally exhausting it is.

 That I have a hard time just sitting and playing with my son or enjoying spending time with him because I think about all the things I need to be working on with him. The physical therapy exercises we should be doing, the education and speech exercises I need to be teaching him.

I deal with the Mommy guilt of being a working mom. But not just the fact that I am away from home and he has to go to daycare, but I have constant guilt that maybe Parker would be farther along in his development, speech, and milestones if I was home working with him all day long. I can't help but think in the back of my mind that it's my fault he is so far behind and not making progress the way he should.

I get discouraged that I teach him the same things over and over and over again and it doesn't seem to make a difference. That he has a harder time grasping certain concepts, and I think that maybe if I was around more he would understand. That he has massive fits and cannot communicate why or what he wants.

I have to play the guessing game and try and calm down his 25 pound body and he squirms and fights me. And I feel so bad for him that he cannot tell us. Like he is trapped within his own body because he cannot communicate. I sometimes wonder if it will ever get any easier. Will Parker always have to struggle so hard? Watching your child struggle to do even the most basic things is excruciatingly difficult.

Will we finally walk through this dark valley and see the beautiful view waiting for us at end? It's a daily battle of survival for me a lot of days, and I wonder if my desperate prayers, nights of crying out on my knees will be heard and how God is using this for His glory.

Don't get me wrong, I love being Parker's mom and think that he is the most amazing thing to ever happen to us. I would do it all over again and I honestly hurt so bad because I love him with my entire being.

People always ask us how Parker is doing, and we generally answer with "great"... Because he is. His smile lights up an entire room, people are drawn to this little guy, and he continues to make slow but steady progress. But deep down its hard for me to even scratch the surface of what that means.

It's been quite a year, the highest of highs and the absolute lowest of lows.

For now, I will continue to depend on the Lord for my strength because I have most definitley learned I cannot do it on my own and pray that He keeps walking through this dark valley with us.

One thing is for sure though, Parker Derek Dietzen you have our hearts and we have forever been changed by your life!!!