.our marriage and special needs.

I'll be honest and say that I had really high standards for my future husband. I was picky about what I wanted and had a long list of non-negotiables. There were a lot of things I was not willing to compromise on.

I didn't date just to date. I wasn't a flirt. And I could tell pretty quickly if a guy was quality or not. 

I met Nick my freshman year in college and was initially attracted to the tall, dark, and handsome baseball player that he was. But shortly after getting to know him, I knew that a lot of the qualities I looked for in a spouse, he possessed. 

We dated briefly at the end of our freshman year but quickly realized we were both not ready or mature enough for a relationship at that time. Nick actually left Biola for some time, but ended up coming back for sports related reasons. We {somewhat} remained friends during that time but didn't talk all that often and both were going in totally opposite directions.

The second semester of our junior year in college, our paths crossed again and we started becoming better friends. At some point during that time, Nick called me and asked for a second chance, asked to take me out on a date again and see where it went. I was a little hesitant at first because I did not see it coming, but started to get really excited.

I knew we were in a different place this time and pretty much from our first date the second time around, we were headed in the direction of marriage. We both knew that if we were willing to entertain this relationship again, that there was a reason we were investing in each other. 

We dated for a year and then got engaged, and married 6 months later.

We were 22 when we got married. Babies!!

I couldn't have known it at the time, but that decision to choose Nick as my spouse was one of the best decisions I could have I ever made.

I knew he was a man of character, integrity, and faith. But I had no idea the depth of those qualities until we faced this journey we are currently on. 

Neither of us could have imagined in a million years that we would be the parents of two special needs boys and facing some extremely difficult circumstances. 

While the divorce rate in our country is right around 50%, for parents of children with special needs it is right around 80%.

80%.

That's a huge punch to the gut. 

Having children with special needs puts huge strains on a marriage. It causes for the dissapointment of unmet expectations, the guilt or blame game of why it happened, the financial burden of the medical and therapy services, the lack of opportunity to have regular date nights or time together because getting a babysitter is no easy task, and so many other things.

In addition to all of these things, I think its a lot harder for men to process the reality of their child having special needs. Especially for men with little boys. 

I know I can't speak for every man, but I know Nick had grand dreams of what he and his boys would be able to do together. Play baseball, go golfing, coach his teams, spending father/son time together. And the reality is that he may never get to do a lot of these things with our boys. 

Having to come to terms with that and really accept that takes a lot.

A lot of maturity, surrender, self-reflection.

And a lot of times men {and women} run from that type of situation, they can't accept that something is wrong with their child. Something they cannot fix. And I honestly grieve for the families that have to experience that.

Fortunately for me and for our family, Nick ran into this situation head on. He stared it right in the face and has lead our family through it all. He's been my rock, my constant, my grieving partner and the only other person in the world who knows what it's like to watch these boys accomplish things.

He's loved Parker and Lane unconditionally and never for one second put his unmet expectations of what he thought his boys were going to be like, on anyone else.

And watching him be their dad causes me to fall more in love with him everyday. Not only that, but going through these difficult situations has caused us to really rely on each other and grow so much closer. He is the only person that knows exactly what I am going through. 

Special needs has changed the dynamics of our relationship. The dreams we had of having lot of children has changed. I rely on him to help me do things-not only to spend time together as a family but because I literally need the extra hands as both boys are extremely dependent on us because of their physical disabilities. The stress from Parker's behavior is extremely wearing and we rely on each other to step in and give each other breaks.

The reality of our relationship is a far cry from what I imagined. It's not the relaxed easy life of having fully abled children with limitless futures. Or being able to watch our kids grow up and develop on their own. But instead we have conversations of what life looks like for the boys after we are gone. We don't just get to watch the boys develop but we literally have to work their muscles and brains out to help them develop on their own timeline.

But somehow we do it. And somehow we do it well.

He deals with my emotional breakdowns, helps me keep perspective, and encourages me to continue being the mom I am to these boys. 

Do we have our hiccups? Of course!

There are plenty of times where our communication is off, where we get frustrated with each other, where its tough to get along. I don't want to give you the impression that our marriage is perfect, because it most definitely is not.

But in the grand scheme of everything, we have been able to use those situations to grow our relationship stronger. We've had to work through things most people don't have to.

Our life is anything but glamorous, and there are days where we look at each other wondering how we survived the madness. But at the end of the day we have each other. And believe it or not, we have special needs to thank for the depth of our marriage.

If I could go back and do it again, I would marry Nick all over again. I could have never known how much God was looking out for me by preparing Nick to be my husband. I was only 22 when we got married. Hadn't faced much of "real" life. Hadn't even lived on my own outside of college or gotten a big girl job. 

But I am so incredibly grateful that I get to share my life with Nick and we get to experience life together. 

For better or worse.