.trip to target.

It usually hits me at the strangest moment.

Driving in my car, paying for groceries, out for a run.

And all of the sudden I am hit with the reality of Parker's condition and our future.

Today it was a trip to Target that did it for me.

I ran into Target on my lunch break to grab a few toiletry items and decided to browse the aisles. I went to the boys section to see if they had any items I could use for Parker's Halloween costume. I saw a mom and her son shopping for clothes and couldn't help but smile. They were talking about life, and he was helping pick out clothes while he sat in the front of the cart. You could see the love between them and the adoration the little boy had for his mama. He looked about 2 years older than Parker and I couldn't help but imagining Parker and I in that same situation in a few years.

These are the moments I have dreamed about since I was a kid.

And then it hit me...

This little boy was healthy. He didn't have low muscle tone, or eye problems, speech delays or anything of the like. And I realized that our situation could look very different in a few years. Parker may not be walking yet and he may not be able to have conversations with me.

And a part of my heart aches at the thought of that. These dreams I have had of what my life would look like when I had kids are so totally different than what it is now, and no matter how selfish that might seem, sometimes it really hurts.  I have to mourn the fact of all altering my dreams of the future to a new reality.

And it is a daily struggle.

But I still smile thinking of that little boy and his mom, and I still imagine Parker and I in that situation. Although it may be different, I love my little boy more than anything and just running simple errands with him and spending time with him are moments I cherish.

Not just a few minutes later, I saw a mom walking with her daughter in a wheelchair. They were smiling and laughing and I was taking it all in. I doubt that mother ever dreamt that she would be pushing her 10 year old daughter in a wheelchair rather than walking by her side.

My heart ached for that mom. I could relate probably more to this mom than the one I saw shopping with her son. And realized that we live in a different reality than most.

I wanted to just give her a hug. To tell her I understand. And to tell her that her daughter is beautiful and such a blessing.

Because it's true.

And it's true that God meets you where you are. Because I suddenly felt peace about both situations. Whether our future includes walking, running and full conversations, or wheelchairs, limited speech and function. I have never been more blessed than when Nick & I welcomed Parker into this world. He gave us the special priviledge of raising a child that most could not.

And I hope to be an encouragement to those mom's I see in simple place like Target, who may be fighting the same battle as me. That they will see the joy that flows out of me for the simple fact of getting to be Parker's mom.

I can't help the tears from coming sometimes, and my heart aches a lot eventhough I know everything is going to be alright. Certain words and phrases cut me deeper than they ever would have before, and I struggle to keep my composure sometimes when others ask about Parker.

But those moments are getting fewer and father between. And I try to take it day by day.

Cuz let's just be honest, who can resist a smile when you are looking at this beautiful baby :)



Just pretend like his eyes aren't red and focus on the smile and happy baby :)



Just hanging out in his stroller!