.disclaimer.

Honestly, this post is extremely hard for me to write. It exposes some of my biggest flaws as a special needs mom and will probably offend some people, but it is on my heart today and I just need to write through it.

Mom's in general are always comparing their children. Which kid is sleeping through the night; who is eating solids first; sitting up; walking, etc. Not only do mom's compare the milestones, but they also compare co-sleeping versus independent sleep; breastfeeding versus formula feeding; organic food versus not. It's an endless vicious cycle that unfortunately most get trapped in. As if somehow these achievements of their children or what they are eating or how they are sleeping equates to how good of a mom they are.

When Parker was first born, I was constantly trying to keep up. To make sure I was doing everything right, that he was only getting breastmilk and we were sticking to a schedule for sleeping. Because if he wasn't sleeping through the night by 6 weeks old then I was a bad mom. Which of course, is a lie. But as a first time mom, it's hard not to listen to all of the "noise" around you about what makes or doesn't make a good parent.

When Parker started to miss milestones I began to panic. Was it something I was doing wrong? Is it because I am back to work and he is in daycare that he still isn't sitting up? etc.etc.etc.

All of these things kept going through my mind. I was doing everything by the book. Everything all the "experts" said and it still wasn't working. I was failing as a mom.

After our pediatrician recommended we see a neurologist just to see if there were any concerns, my entire world fell apart. He did think there was something wrong, that he thought there was reason to believe he had a brain malformation and that we needed to do an MRI.

Of course, they did find a malformation and Parker was diagnosed at 7 months with Joubert Syndrome, and that plagued me with guilt.

Joubert Syndrome is a malformation in a gene that both Nick and I have. It's seriously a 1 in a million chance that everything would work out the way it did, and it all comes down to genetics, but I still struggle with mommy guilt over this.

I struggle with the fact that maybe if I ate more leafy greens when I was pregnant, then Parker would have gotten more folic acid and maybe that would have helped. Or maybe if I took more prenatal vitamins, ate only organic, drank more water, etc. then he would have been spared from this horrible genetic condition.

Maybe it's all my fault.

And I know in my heart that God created Parker EXACTLY how He is and that there is nothing I could have done to change this, but I still struggle to actually believe that there isn't something...even a small something that could have given Parker an easier chance at living a life with less struggles.

And now even though we have been on this special needs journey for 2 years now, I feel the need to give others a disclaimer whenever we meet someone new.

Like.."Hi, I'm Anna and my son has special needs."

As if it is something that others need to know immediately. I think I say this as a defense mechanism. That I feel its necessary to tell them so that they don't have a chance to judge me or Parker.

I know other people in the special needs community would not think this is okay that i feel it necessary to tell others...but I think if I tell others first, it allows the sting of rejection or judgement to hurt a little less. Like it automatically takes us out of the competition for "what is your child doing" and let's people stop trying to compare.

That even though I know my child is different and not "typically" developing, that I have to justify to others...sometimes complete strangers why he is delayed. And I don't even know if those mom's are even looking at Parker or wondering anything about him.

But its like word vomit. It just comes out.

And this haunts me. Why do I still feel the need for others approval? To be accepted?

I think part of it is human nature, but I still hate that I always need to "disclaim" the fact that we are a special needs family. Part of it is good as it opens up the possibility for conversation and others feel comfortable to ask questions, but part of it is a defense mechanism for me. To make it hurt a little less. To address the issue before it's even brought up.

So many times I feel inadequate. I feel like I have no idea what I am doing as a mom. Am I doing it right? Am i giving them the best chance at a successful future?

I don't know.

But I do know that I am trying. And I am a work in progress. Each day is a new journey and despite all of my weaknesses and short comings, I am trying my hardest to be the best mom I can to Parker and Lane.