.spectrum of emotions.

Just like Joubert Syndrome has a very broad spectrum of children and their abilities, the emotions for the parents are a very broad spectrum as well.

Like I stated in my last post, sometimes are filled with glorious peaks filled with joy and accomplishment and sometimes are filled with valleys and dark emotional times.

Today was one of those days where I was overwhelmed with joy one minute and then completely paralyzed by fear the next minute.

Just a simple trip to Target today was such a defining moment for me.

I dropped Lane off at therapy and was able to run to the store for a few minutes by myself  {hallelujah!!}. While browsing the store an adult special needs group was on a field trip to buy some items and learn some things. There was a group of about 20 of them and they were taking up most of the walk way.

My first thought was to avoid them...it made me uncomfortable. 

Why? I'm not sure? But it did.

And then my next thought was "wow...who do I think I am?"

These people are MY life. These people are Parker and Lane. 

And yet I was willing to completely avoid them because they were in the way of my shopping experience. Because I was uncomfortable. With what? I'm not sure.

Did it hit too close to home? Was it a harsh reality that this could be my son's future? 

I dunno. 

But at that moment, I chose to walk right into the group of them and make eye contact, smile, and say hi to them. I wanted them to know that I cared, that I saw them, and that they are loved.

Because I would hope someone would do the same for my boys someday.

They will never know how ugly my first thoughts were. How embarrassed I am to even admit  How I was willing to walk by and not even acknowledge them. 

And it hit me that one day Parker and Lane might just be on a trip to Target with their special needs adult class. And how much I hadn't grieved that or hadn't even allowed myself to process what the future looks like.

I got to the car after and just sobbed. 

For so many reasons.

It really made me reflect and realize how much this journey we are on is for my sake. For my growth as a person and shaping my character.

I get so focused on the here and now with the boys, with their progress and their changes, that I forget how much it is changing me. And how much I need to be changed.

Not even 20 minutes later I received a message through someone who knows someone I know and ended up connecting me to a family who is fairly new on the Joubert Syndrome journey. Being able to connect with other families walking this road and bring hope and encouragement is one of the highlights of this for me.

I could just feel the divine intervention of this meeting and could tangibly see one of the ways God is using our journey with Joubert Syndrome for His glory.

It was a huge blessing after a tough moment of self awareness. 

After therapy and after Parker got off the bus from school, I just sat and stared at my boys. I sat and examined their little hands, and their eyelashes and just looked at how perfectly they were made. 

And I couldn't have been more content with this life I have been given.

This rollercoaster will continue, and the tough moments will be unbearable at times, but I will continue to dream and hope and pray.

Dream that they will go to college. Get married. Do whatever they want to do.

That they will channel their stubborn attitudes and hard work ethic into something great.

That they will far exceed anyone and everyone's expectation.

Because if I don't do that for them, who will?

 I need to allow these defining moments to continue to shape me and mold me into a better version of myself. 

But I also need to allow myself to grieve when necessary.

Because nothing about this is easy, and I need to be okay with allowing myself to deal with that.

That these unmet expectations are all a part of the journey and I will always be feeling something along this spectrum of emotions.