.thrilled and shocked.

I'm not sure where to start this post or that I really even want to write this post...

But I feel as if the Lord has been prompting me to share and to process through everything going on in my head. And I do know that I want to look back at this time and remember what I was thinking and how I was feeling.

So here goes....

After Lane was diagnosed with Joubert Syndrome, Nick and I made the decision that we were most likely done having children of our own. We had two biological children with special needs and we knew that if we were to get pregnant again, we would run the risk of having another child with special needs. 

However, we did not take permanent measures to prevent this because we felt like it was too fresh and emotional to make that decision right after the diagnosis. We were taking all the other necessary measures to make sure we didn't get pregnant, so we felt like we were being smart and responsible, without making any rash decisions.

At the end of January I started to feel "off". Was having some insomnia, was feeling kinda sad and depressed and just was not fully myself. I decided to take a pregnancy test just to rule that out and thought maybe I was going through a mid-winter/tax season funk.

It honestly was the surprise of my life when IMMEDIATELY the pregnancy test showed as positive.

The boys were napping and Nick was at work and I literally almost passed out in the bathroom. I sat on the floor in our bathroom and just kept repeating "this cannot be real, this cannot be happening to me".

It probably took me 30 minutes of staring at the positive test and sitting in complete shock before I called Nick. He knew I hadn't been feeling well and when I explained to him WHY...he was shocked as well 

{although he was excited and handled it much better than I did :) }.

It wasn't until I heard Nick's voice that I started to cry. There were so many emotions going through my head that I just couldn't process it all. When Nick reassured me that everything was going to be okay and that we were in this together, I just lost it. I let the flood gates open and it felt good to start to comprehend it.

I spent the next few weeks crying, talking, awake all night, just trying to come to terms with what this meant. 

To be completely honest, I KNEW that this baby was a blessing, but with all of the other factors that we have to consider, this was hard for me to see at first. 

I spent many sleepless nights wondering how I was going to go to the grocery store, what were we going to do with the car, how could we afford to add another child to our lives and on top of that one that could possible have special needs, etc. There were so many things I was thinking that I almost hated my brain for thinking so much. 

22 weeks

I was almost embarrassed at first. I didn't want to have to tell people we were pregnant, or to have to deal with the judging looks or comments. We have our hands full with the two boys and their needs, and I almost felt like it was irresponsible for us to have another child.

And to be completely honest, it's taken me almost 5 months to get to a place where I am confident in God's hand in all this and am proud to say that we are having another baby.

It was one night when Nick and I were talking and he just said to me, "We have to stop thinking of this as a burden, or a challenge. This is a LIFE growing inside of you. One that although we didn't expect, we are so lucky to be able to have another baby."

And from that moment on, I have chosen to view this as an unexpected gift. 

As I was thinking about it one day and praying about this all, I felt the Lord just say to me.. "You've trusted me with everything I have given you so far...Trust Me with this."

And so far I have been able to. 

I have my moments of freaking out.

Of complete and total terror.

But I also look down at my growing belly and cannot believe I get to do this again.

I get to add another baby to my family and have another little life in our home.

I'm still not sure why God chose to bless us this way, or allow us to have another child, but I know how much I already love this baby and when I feel the kicks and movement, I am reminded of just how beautiful life is and how full of unexpected blessings.

We had our anatomy ultrasound a few weeks ago and found out that we are expecting a baby GIRL!! She will be joining our family in September.

The boys, especially Parker, have been so fun to watch as they

kind of understand what is happening. Parker comes to my belly and talks to his baby sister and Lane will pat my belly. It's as if they know that life is about to change and they know their sibling is growing inside me.

I cannot say that I have fully processed this all, or that there won't be many days of growing and learning through this in the days to come. But I have learned that God has greater plans for me and my family than I could have ever imagined and this is just one example.

We know that this baby could easily have Joubert Syndrome as well, and are praying for a healthy, non-affected baby, but we will love this baby no matter what and cannot wait to meet her. 

My friend Shannon sent me a card after we found out and she said "I pray that the new baby would be EXACTLY who God created he or she to be." 

And that has been my prayer for this baby. That regardless of her diagnosis {with JS or not} that she would be exactly who God is forming and creating her to be.

It's crazy how just when you seem to have a handle on things, or seem to understand why things are the way they are- it completely changes. 

For Mother's Day, Nick gave me a sign that says "Faith makes things possible, not easy". And its a perfect representation of our lives this far and what is to come. This parenting thing and bringing children into the world hasn't been easy, but our faith makes it possible and SO VERY worth it. 

God has a plan. I'm trusting that.