.dear parker derek.

To my first born baby boy Parker:

I've thought about writing you a letter every year on your birthday and have wanted to recap each year and what we have been through and learned. What you have accomplished and how you have grown. But each time I sit down to write it, I just can't.

Words seem so inadequate to express my love for you and how much you have changed me life.

So here we are, 4 years later and I am finally setting aside the time and gaining the courage to write you a happy birthday letter and tell you how much I love you.

I remember laboring in the hospital room waiting for each contraction to pass, wondering what was next and how long it was going to last. I was in pain and it was hard, but I knew that with each passing contraction, I was one step closer to meeting you. 

Your daddy was a champ and was so helpful to me while I was in labor. He stood by my side and encouraged me the whole time. He couldn't wait to meet his first born son....every man's dream!!

You were born 12 hours later weighing in at 6lbs, 15oz and 20.5 inches long. It was so surreal to finally hold you in my arms. You had a head full of dark brown soft hair and blue eyes! I was so excited to see you had blue eyes because I always wanted a baby to have my eyes. And lucky for me, your eyes are the window to your soul and I get to stare into them every day!

We settled into being a family of 3 pretty easily. I loved spending every moment with you and you made my dreams come true of being a mom. 

I had to go back to work when you were 10 weeks old and I thought my heart was going to break the first time I dropped you off at daycare. You had the most loving daycare environment and Victoria took the best care of you, but I wanted to be with  you all the time. I hated having to go to work everyday and leave you. But you gave me the confidence and strength to do it. You made me brave and would look at me like you were saying "It's okay mama, I will be just fine!"

After a few months of growing your dad and I started to notice that you weren't getting as strong as the other babies around you. You seemed to have a much harder time holding your head up and your coordination was off. We tried working with you, praying for you, and doing everything to get you caught up but it didn't seem to help. Our hearts were slowly starting to break as we realized that maybe God made you a little different, made you a little more unique than those around you.

At 7 months you had to go to the hospital to get an MRI where they took pictures of your brain to see what it looked like. They gave you medicine that made you very sleepy and mommy and daddy held your hand as you fell asleep. This was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to watch happen as your mom. I knew you were in good hands and that the doctors would take care of you, but I didn't want to let you go and I hated that you had to get these pictures taken.

The next day the doctors called and told us that you were indeed created special. You have something called Joubert Syndrome. Your brain didn't form all the way and it has created some huge obstacles for you, but you haven't let that stop you from living an amazing life.

Since we found this out, you have been going to a lot of doctors appointments, therapies, and specialists to make sure you live the best possible life you can live. You have worked so hard for every milestone you have reached along the way. From sitting up, to crawling, to talking- each and every thing you accomplish has been a challenge, but you are determined and a fighter and you always reach these goals! You are a living miracle as you do things that doctors thought you would never do.

My heart hurts for you everyday though Parker man. I see how hard everything is for you and I just want to fix it. I see other kids your age running around and doing all the things you wish you could do and I watch as you dream of doing that. I see you get frustrated and sad that your little body won't let you do that. I see the longing in your heart to have an able body and it crushes every ounce of my being knowing that there is nothing I can do to fix it. 

You started school this last year and I was so nervous for you. You were only 3 years old and just a little boy, but you were so brave and transitioned to school like it was no big deal. You excelled in this environment and exceeded everyone's wildest expectations. You are one smart little boy! I couldn't believe the things you learned, remembered and taught us. I can't wait to watch you fly as your brain continues to develop.

You even rode the bus this year. This was a scary one for me. And I only started letting you ride on the bus home from school, but then when I found out we were pregnant with your little sister I was too sick to drive you every morning and you had to ride the bus to school as well. I hated that I couldn't drive you anymore but you kept telling me how excited you were to ride the bus in the morning. The first few days were hard but then you would ask for the bus and made that transition an easy one as well. You already showed me that you were going to be the best big brother to your little sister. It was your way of taking care of me and your baby sister. So thank you for being such a big boy!

You are already such a good big brother to Lane. You guys have your moments of fighting and wrestling but you really love him so much. You told me just a few days ago out of the blue that Lane is your buddy and that you love him. It made my heart swell with pride knowing that Lane has you to watch over him. You guys were created with the same unique syndrome and struggle in the same way and I think God gave you each other as a special gift. He wanted you both to have someone to walk through life with that would understand exactly what you are going through. You are always very concerned about Lane's safety and do not like it when he is sad or cries. I love watching your relationship grow and know that Lane is so lucky to have you as big brother!

We have our challenges and you have a strong and definite personality. But your spunk and drive are what make you who you are. You challenge me like no one has ever challenged me before. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are some days I don't think we are ever going to survive, but then you will crawl over to me and look at me with those baby blue eyes and tell me you love me. Or you will give me a big squeeze hug, and all else seems to melt away. It's these little moments that make it impossible for me to love you any more.

I don't think there is any area that you haven't changed my life. Because of you I am more aware of my purpose on this earth. I have a closer and deeper relationship with Jesus. Your dad and I have a stronger marriage. I'm challenged physically to not only keep up my fitness but to also advocate on your behalf and not take my physical body for granted. I am mentally stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I have more empathy, more love, and compassion for human beings in general. 

And I get to wake up every morning with you as my son. My greatest gift I could have ever received.

I want you to know how proud I am of you. How my heart beams with pride for you and everything you do. I will ALWAYS be here for you, ALWAYS advocate for you, ALWAYS do anything and everything in my power to help you live and create the best life possible. You can DO and BE anything you want to be and I want you to believe that for yourself. You are amazing, and wonderful and God created you for BIG things. Of that I have no doubt!

Happy Birthday sweet boy. I love you more than you could ever imagine. May this year be another year of amazing miracles as you grow and develop into who God made you to be!!!

Love, Mommy