.crossroads.

Being a parent, especially a mom, is interesting these days. Because of the internet, there are so many opinions about what is the "best" way to parent and how people should raise their kids, that it becomes ugly. Instead of all being in this journey together, we are fighting against each other and masking our own insecurities with pride.

Being a special needs mom is both easier and harder in some respect to these "mommy wars". In a lot of ways, I have been able to let go of a lot of the expectations that other moms have put out there because it doesn't apply to my kids. I can't expect that they are going to be doing their own laundry by the time they are 3 because they can't even walk yet. I can't expect that they are going to be reciting the alphabet by age 1 because at age 2 1/2 we are still struggling with speech delays. And in a lot of ways it is so freeing. Because I can read articles and blogs and realize that our situation is different and those "rules" don't apply to me.

But in other ways it is so much harder. I can't put my kids in all those summer activities because of their limitations. I cannot meet other moms at the park for playdates because we are a crazy train and I don't have enough hands to carry all my kids and their crap stuff needed for a day at the park...not to mention most parks aren't suitable for their needs. And we can't just jump in and do what other moms of kids their ages are doing because everything with the boys is a little more complex.

So this has left me at a crossroads of sorts lately. Where exactly do I fit?

In high school I was involved in every activity available and was an athlete, in college I was a student and worked on campus, after college I became a wife and was a career woman.

And then I became a mom.

A *mom. 

There is an asterisk there because my experience being a mom is so much different than almost everyone I meet. And even being a special needs mom doesn't necessarily bring the community that you would expect.

My boys don't have austism or Down syndrome, which seem to be the most common special needs most people know about. There are so many groups and resources for families affected by this, and it's amazing, but we don't fit there.

My boys are deeply affected in the low muscle tone which really limits their mobility-so right now we are caught between crawling everywhere and using a walker. But they aren't using a wheelchair so we don't really fit within that aspect of the special needs community, but they aren't walking independently either so we don't fit in that category either.

And I think I'm caught somewhere between being a mom and a caretaker. I get to enjoy a lot of aspects of being a mom and the relationship with my children, but I also have to take on the caretaker role because of the complexity of their syndrome and all it entails. 

It's a really strange and lonely place to be sometimes. Kind of on our own island trying to figure everything out.

And sometimes I long for those other identities that I used to hold. 

What would it be like to still be a career woman? To be using my brain everyday and experiencing career success?

What would it be like to be the mom I imagined my life would be? To be going to sports games and playdates? To be a mom with children who were independent and fully mobile?

And it grieves my heart that sometimes I feel like I need to entertain these things. Or that I even feel so lost and without an identity. 

I know I am the daughter of the King, and that God chose me for this specific job.

And it's great, it really is. I have the most beautiful family and I love them more than I could ever explain. But it is hard. And lonely. And completely different than what I ever imagined or dreamed.

So I am searching and praying and trying to find contentment in where I am at, but also striving for community and relationships and people to walk through this unexpected journey with us.

And I'm not sure how to do that or what it looks like, but I am searching and learning and growing through this everyday.