.blessed.

This is something that Nick and I just recently shared with our families as we just got a glimpse of how God has used this journey in our lives. Thought I would share it with you all as well....


A few days ago we had the chance to meet with the head pastor Richie Shaw from Real Life Ministries (the church we are thinking about attending here in Spokane). It was just a real casual meeting but we just both kind of shared our stories, learned what the church is about and where they are headed and were able to ask any questions we wanted.
One of the things Richie asked us was what our journey has been like through Parker's diagnosis. Usually as soon as someone asks me, I get very emotional and have a hard time formulating my words because I am too busy trying to keep myself composed. Yesterday I started to get emotional but asked The Lord to give me strength to really share-and he did just that :) Nick did most of the talking, but I was able to clearly put into words some of my experience and it felt great to be able to share.
After we finished telling our story Richie shared some powerful words with us that kind of helped me have an "A-Ha" moment with this journey. We have never doubted that we are some of the most blessed people around. Despite his challenges, Parker brings so much joy to our lives and is so special that I cannot imagine a single second without him. His placement in our family is nothing short of a divine miracle and we are so blessed by him.
But what really spoke to me was when Richie said that a lot of people would be jealous or envious of us.
I have never thought that someone would be jealous or envious of our experience. This experience has been the hardest thing we have ever had to endure and not a day goes by that we arent faced with heartache and desperation as we are still navigating this special needs life.
He continued on with stating that a lot of Christians and people in general spend their whole lives LONGING and YEARNING for that deep intimacy with God. They search and try to find that deep connection with Jesus.
But God has chosen us to have that glimpse. We are the lucky ones that God has opened up a little more of himself to. We have seen a more intimate side of Him that only comes out of complete and total desperation. We have seen the body of Christ come together to lift up our family. We have gotten a chance to really connect with Jesus on a level that most people spend their lives searching for.
I spent a lot of last night mulling over this and felt so humbled and blessed that God would choose US to reveal that side of Him to. We are so unworthy to have that deep relationship with Him, but through our amazing son Parker, He has given us that opportunity.
I know we have plenty of learning, growing, and desperation that will happen in the future, but being able to get a glimpse of God's plan through this situation has been nothing short of amazing.

.impact.

We all have the ability to impact others. Big or small, we all have the choice everyday to make an impact on others lives.

Good or bad.

I never really understood this or came to the full realization of what this meant until having a special needs child. The impact others have on my son's life are HUGE and they can either be life changing in a good way, or life changing in a negative way.

Unfortunately, a few weeks ago we had an incident at church where I was told I could not drop Parker off because he is more work.

This impacted me. Greatly. But not in a positive way.

It's taken me a few weeks to really wrap my mind around everything that happened. Why it happened. And to really allow my heart to heal and not form scars, build up walls, or fill with resentment.

I know that the volunteer who spoke those words to me did not do it maliciously, and was really only telling me because they were short on volunteers and did not have enough people to help. But to single out a special needs child, while there are plenty of other children who were just as much work or more, really hurts.

It hurts deep.

I know that Parker is different. I know that we are a different family because we do not fit into the "regular" or "typical" category. But those little reminders are like a punch to the gut.

They reinforce the constant fears..
"You don't fit in"
"You are not as worthy as a typical family"
"Your child is different"
etc. etc. etc.

Parker will not remember this experience or be hurt as a result of this.

But I was. I was impacted greatly by just a few words.

And that's all it takes sometimes. Is just a few words to reinforce the fears that we try and run from . And then the battle begins again to try and overcome those and get back to a healthy place.

Fortunately we have had so many positive experiences of people accepting and loving Parker since he has been born. In fact, we have had many more positive experiences and impacts made than any negative ones.

But unfortunatley, just like in any situation, one bad experience can outweigh 100 positive ones and it is how you grow from those negative situations that really make you who you are.

I know that we are going to have many experiences that are going to test me, push me, draw me to my knees in desperation, and absolutely break my heart....

But I am SO incredibly thankful for all of the wonderful people in our lives who have walked beside us in this journey and made such a positive impact in our lives.

You may not know it, but just a few encouraging words, hugs, smiles, etc. to a special needs family can impact them greatly. Loving on our children and treating them with love and respect, allowing them to just be who they are eventhough it might not be "normal", talking to us like normal human beings....these things make such a large impact in our lives.

They allow us to overcome the bad experiences.

They help to heal our hearts and break down the walls.

They make us whole again.

From the bottom of our hearts, thank you to everyone who has had such a great impact in our lives and loved not only us, but loved our precious Parker as well.

.life.

Therapy. This blog is my therapy. It originally started to update our family on our lives, but after Parker was born and we started navigating our way through the special needs world, this became my outlet. It has allowed me to work through all of the things going through my mind and really helps me to process it all.

The past few months have been busy to say the least. We welcomed Lane Nicholas Dietzen into our lives in the middle of October, we celebrated Thanksgiving in Spokane, Christmas in California, I quit my first professional job that I have had straight out of college and worked at for 5 years, packed up our first home that we brought both our babies to and moved to Spokane, all the while adjusting to life with a newborn and the everyday needs and challenges that a 2 1/2 year old brings.

To say that I have had a lot going on and a lot swirling in my mind is an understatement. I have wanted to put things into words, but have felt so overwhelmed by everything and so exhausted that by the time I have a free second to blog, it is the last thing I want to do.

For the most part things have been great! Lane is a beautiful and perfect baby and we are so thankful for his sweet spirit in our home. Parker is doing wonderful! His speech has taken off like crazy, he is now able to somewhat communicate to us his wants and needs, he is crawling like a maniac and amazing us everyday at his progress. We now live near Nick's family and have extra hands to help with the kids as well as be there for us, and I now have my dream job of being able to take care of the kids and stay at home with them.

But I would be lying if there haven't been there fair share of tears over the last few months as well. I quit my job and it is the first time I have been unemployed since as long as I can remember. I always worked a job here and there and had been at my job for almost 5 years. I was dying to stay home with my kids but it was still very surreal to walk away from something that I was good at, that allowed me to have an outlet and develop my professional skills, and it was hard to no longer have something to work towards and achieve outside the home.

Don't get me wrong, staying home with my kids has been a dream of mine since before I had kids, but it was still emotional for me to make that final decision that I was done. The past few years of working were some of the hardest years, trying to balance work and home life as well as therapy appointments, dr appts, specialist appts, etc. was a very difficult for me. I felt like I was always being pulled in 100 different directions and never able to really give anything 100%. I am so thankful now that I am able to really focus on the boys, Parker's therapy, advocating for him, watching Lane grow, and enjoy all that staying home entails.

Packing up and leaving Seattle, the city we first lived together after we got married, our first home, where we had both of our children, our amazing church, our community, etc. was hard as well. It was almost a good thing that it all happened so fast because I didn't really have a chance to feel the emotions of it all. We loved our time in the Seattle area and made some amazing friendships and had an amazing church, but it was time for us to be near family and to have help. The last few years were pure survival for us, just taking things one day at a time and getting through. But Nick was given the opportunity to move positions within the same Accounting firm and this new position allowed us to move to Spokane and be near family and so we felt that this was a great opportunity for us to be near family. However, this also leaves us torn because although we are close to Nick's family and we love it, we are still far away from mine and its hard to not have everyone in the same place.

We went to California for 2 weeks at Christmas and it took everything in me to get back on the plane. I have always appreciated my parents, but after you have children, you appreciate them ten fold. I long for my children to live near my parents and for me to have them nearby and I pray that someday we will have that opportunity.

The move to Spokane has been an easier transition than I had expected. Things have gone well and it is so nice to have people around all the time. However, we have experienced some big road bumps with getting Parker therapy services, as well as a situation at church where they wouldnt allow him to be dropped off. I always knew that I would have to be Parker's biggest advocate and to fight for him, but I didn't realize how emotional it would be and how draining it would be.  I will do anything for him and fight for what is right for him, but its taken everything in me to continue pushing for it when all I want to do is run away with my little family and be blissfully happy. I don't want to have to listen to people tell me that my child is different, or that he is more work, or that he needs extra services or extra help. It makes me pull away and build up walls and makes me terrified to ever take him places or leave him anywhere, but I know that is not what is best for him. So i have spent my first few weeks here in Spokane on the phone fighting for Parker's therapy and figuring out my way through the special needs community over here.

We are moving along, getting settled and hoping things continue to get back to normal and into a routine. Looking forward to the spring and summer and the regrowth and renewal that it brings.

I have lots of pictures and posts from the last few months and will hopefully be up to date on this blog soon.

.therapy.

Parker's therapy sessions and I have a love/hate relationship.

On one hand, I LOVE to watch him learn and grown and see the progress he is making.

On the other hand, it is heartwrenching to watch your child sit through therapy sessions to help him do basic tasks that come so easily for other kids.

I remember early on in one of Parker's physical therapy sessions where he was learning to roll. He was trying so incredibly hard to roll over and just could not coordinate the strength and the muscles to do it. I remember looking up at Nick and he had tears in his eyes and then he just got up and left the room. I had no idea why at the time, but afterwards we talked and he said he just couldn't do it. He just couldn't watch Parker struggle to do very basic things.

He said "I left the room and went and had a very frank talk with God. Why does my son have to struggle so much to even just roll over. I just want to fix it and make it better for him. It's so hard for me to watch him struggle."

And I know exactly what he means.

But I think this is why God created men and women differently. I like to be a part of the process and watch it unfold, and as a result, I have primarily taken on the task of taking Parker to all of his therapy appointments.

Being a woman, its not so much that its hard that I cannot "fix" it, but its very emotional for me to think of what the future could look like for him.

For me, it helps me cope with the reality of the diagnosis if I know how to properly help Parker grow and develop.

Nick is there to be the emotional support for me, the provider for our family, and be the sounding board for all of the different scenarios and situations with Parker. And I am the emotional support for Parker, the physical presence at the appointments, and the teacher of everything we learn.

And I love the way that it works and that we compliment each other as parents. We have each taken to the specific roles that we are strong in, and we are able to be a team for Parker and provide him the best care possible.

Standing at the train table working on his stamina

Parker's early intervention providers {Kindering} have the month of August off and it is a welcome change to have a month to not worry about any therapy appointments at all! We just started up again a few weeks ago and it has been a whirlwind.

We currently have speech  and physical therapy once a week for an hour each, then a co-op class at the Kindering center once a week for an hour and a half, and then we are starting up a new therapy called Anat Baniel method shortly after the baby comes.

Its a constant juggling act with taking him to and from daycare, dr appts, work and therapy, but he has been making so much progress lately that it makes it so worth it.

Coloring {when he's not trying to eat the crayons} to work on his fine motor skills

His language is really starting to improve and he is starting to communicate with us through signing, small words, and imitation. We are learning all the animal sounds, basic needs {milk, water, food, more, etc.}, words that mean actions {dance, clap, touch your toes, etc.}, and many others. He surprises me everyday with the new sounds and words he is forming. Its so fun to see his brain making all the connections. And he seriously understands so much! So eventhough he may not be able to communicate back to us, he definitley is very aware of his surroundings and what is going on.

For physical therapy we are working on crawling, walking, standing, etc. His fine motor skills have improved drastically and he is really getting good and feeding himself with utensils, playing with activating toys, coordinating movements, etc. He is so close to crawling that I know it is going to happen anyday! He has his own little "scoot" that he does to get himself around and if he wants something he will find a way to get there. He is standing for long periods of time and very sturdy when he is standing so its fun to watch him stand and play with toys at a train table or the couch. For walking, we are still a ways away from that, but we are working on it.

First day of "school". The open house when we got to go meet the co-op teacher and his classmates

This week we were able to put him on a kiddie treadmill at Kindering with him in a harness so that he wasn't totally bearing all the weight on his legs and it allowed him to learn to take steps forward and learn that motion. So fun to see him at a place where this is the next step for him.

Working it out on the treadmill. Stud.

The co-op class has been so much fun so far and Parker LOVES it. It is basically a pre-school type setting that I am able to come participate in with him. They do free-play at the beginning, then an art project, then some sensory platy, circle time, motor room {like recess}, snack, and then its time to go. They do all the normal things but will adapt it to each kids abilities and the teachers are great. Parker smiles the entire time and I love watching him experience things!

It's been about a year and a half since we have been receiving services for Parker and I am so thankful for the amazing resources that we have right at our fingertips.

Sometimes I can barely bring myself to go to the appointments as they are both emotionally and physically draining, but it helps me learn and I love being able to teach Parker during the times that the therapists aren't there.

This kid has determination and fight in him and I know that he will go far and those little milestones that we continue to see are what keeps me going and keeps me fighting. The progress has been slow and steady and there are times I want to scream and cry and fix it all for him...but then the very next week he will do something incredible, something doctors said he would never do, and I can't help but smile through the tears.

Just last night he was playing in the family room while Nick & I were eating dinner and he moved all over the family room and got to each individual toy he was wanting without our assistance. He scooted, rolled, crawled, etc to get to all corners of the room and play with what he wanted.



Playing at the sensory table.



We just sat there in awe and were grinning from ear to ear.

He's getting there, he's doing it.

And that shared accomplishment for Parker that Nick and I saw makes us the most proud parents in the world.

There is hope. Parker is amazing.

.to make a life.

I met Julia my freshman year at Biola University. Her and my roomate Erin spent their childhood together in Northern California, and although Erin's family had since moved to Minnesota, they had remained close friends and were so excited to be living near each other again in Southern California.

I remember meeting Julia and feeling like I had known her forever. She was warm and inviting, beautiful, tall, and so easy to talk to. She was a year older than us, was dating a basketball player, studying to be a nurse, and helped Erin and I survive our first few weeks of the transition to college. Although she went to a different college about 30 minutes away, it was always nice to see her and get a chance to chat.

Over the years of living with Erin, I saw Julia every now and then and Erin would give me updates on her and her husband and what they were up to. It was always so fun to hear what God was up to in their lives and although I knew very little about their struggle with infertility, I was so excited to hear about their plans to adopt a baby from Ethiopia, and then even more estatic when I found out they were expecting naturally.

I was pregnant with Parker at the time I found out Julia and Dan were expecting as well and I remember grinning from ear to ear thinking about what they were starting to experience. Staring at my round belly, knowing that they were only a few months behind me and would soon begin to feel the flutters and kicks of their little miracle.

I was on maternity leave when I got the call.

Erin called me and was hysterical. I could barely make out what she was saying. All I could hear on the other end was deep, heart wrenching sobs.

My stomach immediately dropped and I couldn't even begin to imagine what was going on. All I knew was that it was not good.

I just started to pray...asking God to prepare me for whatever I was about to hear.

Then she finally got the words out....

Julia.....They....Lost. The. Baby.

What? I couldn't even process what she had said. It was the very end of August...wasn't she only a few weeks away from giving birth? Could this even happen?

Erin had received the news from some of Julia's family members and had very little information, but the one thing she did know was that their worst nightmare was coming true.

After Erin and I got off the phone, I remember pulling over, taking Parker out of his carseat and just hugging him. Rocking him and thanking God over and over for the miracle that was in my hands. Why would God take their baby, but allow me to have mine? I had so many questions and thought swirling in my head, but I knew they were questions I couldn't answer and so I sat there on the side of the road and cried and prayed for Julia & Dan.

Ironically enough, I didn't know it at the time, but I would end up being able to relate to their story much more than I ever thought possible.

Never can I even begin to fathom the pain and devastation of losing a child.

But, I can relate to the death of a dream. The unexpected circumstances that arise. The worries, concerns, questions, doubts that came for me in the form of Parker's diagnosis with Joubert Syndrome.

This past September 1st marked 2 years since Emma Jo Walser ran into the arms of Jesus. And to continue on her legacy, Dan has written a book called To Make A Life.

This book is an honest, open, raw, and intimate look at their story.



I invite you to pick up a copy of this book and allow their story to change you. To allow Emma Jo's life to transform your way of thinking and find the beauty that is made out of the broken.

We love you Julia & Dan and are so proud of what you are doing. We are constantly praying for you and know that your story is close to our hearts!!

.sweet nothings.

While we were initially shocked at the positive pregnancy test, and the emotions that went along with that, we are getting very excited to welcome this new baby boy into our home.

I try to spend my days imagining what it will be like to be responsible for two little lives. Somedays are filled with sheer joy as I play with Parker and imagine him with his little brother and them playing together. Other days are filled with sheer terror anxiety of how I am going to balance it all and deal with a special needs toddler and a newborn.

We are now roughly 8 weeks away from the due date, and it's getting more real that this is really happening!! My wonderful mom washed all of Parker's baby clothes for me and I got them organized and put away in his room. The boys will share a room for now, and it's so fun to see their stuff side by side and imagine what it will be like when both of them are in there together.

There are still some things to do to get ready for this baby, but for the most part I think our hearts and minds are prepared to welcome this baby into our home and now I am enjoying the fun things like baby showers, newborn sleepers and new baby things.

We were blessed to receive the double stroller I had been wanting as a gift. I have been researching double strollers for a while and after considering all our needs, we settled on the Double Baby Jogger by City Mini. It is currently in the mail and I am daily stalking checking the website for the status of delivery.

I ordered this sweet little crochet football hat for baby boy to wear in and home from the hospital. It came in the mail yesterday and it is so tiny!!! It's hard to believe that this hat will probably be too big for him! You quickly forget how tiny newborns are. I am just imagining snuggling his sweet little body while he wears this hat. And he will be born a Packer fan, so just preparing him for his first football season :)

We have been working really hard on Parker's speech and physical therapy lately. He has the month of August off of therapy because they are closed for summer break, so I have been pushing him really hard at home. He really is making progress with his signs and speech and you can tell he is trying so hard to communicate with us. He is also getting really strong and bearing weight on his legs for a long while. He is so close to crawling and will stand and play with his toys for a while. It's hard to explain to people who have typically developing children how big of a deal this is, but this is a HUGE accomplishment for him and we celebrate daily and let him know how proud we are of all his hard work. My goal is to have him at least crawling by the time the baby comes so that he can get to where he wants to go, and this little trooper is working hard to get there!

I am still trying to decide on a diaper bag for the new baby. I have just gotten to the point where I don't really carry one anymore for Parker, but newborn's require much more and I will need things to keep Parker entertained while we are out so I have been looking for a big bag that can be a catch all for everything. It will be my diaper bag/purse/toy bin/lifeline for a while, so I want to get something big enough and cute to carry around. I think I am going to go with the Petunia Pickle Bottom "Wistful Weekender" but haven't decided on color.

Other than that our summer travel is winding down {finally!} and we are spending our time getting organized and preparing for what is to come in the next few months. Trying to enjoy my last few months of pregnancy and my time with my firstborn.

Although this pregnancy has come with a lot of nerves, ultrasounds, testing and a whole lot of surrendering things to the Lord, I am enjoying the fun little things as well and love being able to pick out a new sleeper or diaper bag and dreaming about the future :)



.miracle baby.

After spending our week at NIH and completing all the test for Parker, we left feeling armed with knowledge and resources and very hopeful about the future. We came home exhausted, but excited about Parker's future and what the next few years held for him. My focus was on Parker and future babies weren't in the picture for a while...and I was completely at peace with that.

I felt like God was really gracious to us while at NIH and any fears I had leading up to that week were lifted away. It was all so positive and I really felt the prayers of others lifting us up. This was our life and we were making the most of this journey.

A few weeks after we got back, I looked at the calendar and realized I was late. You know...that monthly gift all of us women are blessed with...yeah I had missed it in January and was a few weeks late. I didn't really think much of it, but thought to just put any fears aside I would go buy a pregnancy test. I took Parker with me to the dollar store {yes, I am that cheap} and bought a few just to have on hand.

I took the test while Parker was in the bath and immediately the negative line showed up, so I went back to washing up Parker and finishing his bath. After I cleaned up the bathroom, I went to go throw the pregnancy test away and stopped dead in my tracks.

There was another line.

My dollar store pregnancy test :)

2 pink lines.

It was very faint so I wasn't sure what it meant. But I also remember reading that it is very rare for there to be a false positive.

I immediately got a pit in my stomach and started to cry. To be honest, the tears were mostly fear based.

We had just come off this week where I was finally at peace with joubert syndrome and what the future looked like for Parker, and I wasn't quite ready to face the possibility that we could be having another with JS.

In the past, when Nick and I talked about our future biological children, we knew that when we got pregnant again the baby would have a 25% chance of having Joubert. We were totally okay with that and ready to love whatever the Lord would bless us with.

But the moment I saw the positive pregnancy test, reality hit me hard. 

This was it...no turning back now. 

Nick was busy working long hours for tax season and didn't get home until about 8pm that night. As soon as he walked through the door, I timidly pulled up the picture of the pregnancy test on my phone and showed him the 2 pink lines.

I had no idea how he was going to react. Would he be excited, scared, surprised, upset? I had no idea.

Once it registered with him what this meant, he got the biggest smile on his face and wrapped me in a huge hug!! He was so excited and couldn't stop smiling.

I started to cry again. Expressing my concerns. Having 2 kids, 2 years apart with the potential for special needs in both. How were we going to afford this? Can we do this without family around?

But he just looked at me and told me everything was going to be okay...and that there was a baby growing inside of me. Clearly not our plans, but God has allowed us to get pregnant even if we weren't trying. Just further showing us that all of this is out of our control and we are so blessed to be able to have a new life added to our family.

I finally allowed the excitement that, yes, there is a baby growing inside of me. And if this baby is anything as amazing as Parker has been in our lives, then we are the luckiest people in the world. If Parker could bring us so much joy, how much more joy would another baby add?!

I waited a few days and then went out and bought a digital pregnancy test at the grocery store to confirm that yes, indeed I am pregnant. It took about 2 seconds before the screen read "pregnant" and I think I was grinning from ear to ear.

The first image of our miracle baby

 After the inital shock, I just couldn't stop being thankful that God made this decision for us. That we didn't have to spend nights writing down pro's and con's of having another biological child versus adopting. etc. Unless you have experienced something like this, I don't think you can fully understand the weight of that decision. I had dreaded having those conversations later on down the road, and God answered my prayers and made it so I didn't have to!

How we told our families that it was a BOY! Opened an envelope together with my family on FaceTime and Nick's family in person. Gotta love technology!

This pregnancy has been an emotional rollercoaster, but we are estatic to welcome another baby boy into our family in October. From countless ultrasounds, genetic counseling, dr appointments, etc. We have been all over the spectrum as far as emotions go on any given day. But as soon as I feel those kicks in my stomach, or see that beautiful baby on the ultrasound machine, I can't help but think we are the luckiest family in the world.

No guessing here...it's a BOY!

Profile image of our sweet baby

I cannot wait to watch this journey continue and have this story unfold. The plans I thought I had for my life have so drastically changed, yet God has met my needs and answered my prayers along the way. Even those mornings {yes, all the way until about 26 weeks} of throwing up in the mornings, reminded me of the blessing that I so do not deserve, but have been given.

17 weeks pregnant

22 weeks pregnant

26 weeks pregnant

For now, I am soaking up my last few months with my first born baby boy and am anticipating the arrival of our new baby boy. I can't help but dream of their future together as brothers, best friends, and a family of 4.



A little glimpse into my life with 2 boys....I see lots of cars, food and messes :)



My dreams are coming true and I feel so blessed that I get to be a mama to 2 boys.