.reality.

Some days are good. Some days are bad.

Scratch that....

{Most} days are good. Some days are bad.

I am still trying to wrap my head around living with the reality of Parker's condition. I will be doing great and then all of the sudden, like a ton of bricks, the weight of the reality of Parker's condition will hit me.

HARD.

Like take your breath away, fall to the ground and break into hysterical sobs.

Most of the time I can catch myself and rely on the Lord for strength to help get me through these moments, to not let me fall into my fears and to be brave through it all.

And other times.

Other times I stand in the kitchen doing the dishes with tears streaming down my face while I hear Parker cooing in the other room. While I hear Nick playing and laughing with him and I cry sob.

I let myself go to places that no mother should have to go. Letting my mind wonder if I could ever deal with losing him. If I could ever live again if something happened to him. If his kidney or liver failed. How would I be able to continue breathing? What happens if his retina's don't stay healthy and he ends up going blind. How will I help him experience life? What happens if he is picked on at school and no one is there to stand up for him?

 I have a hard time catching my breath sometimes.

My heart aches.

{Literally} aches sometimes.

And other times, I am completely okay.

Other times, I cannot imagine anything better than holding Parker in my arms. Than having him look at me and smile. And sometimes I feel for other moms because unless you go through something like this, I don't think you can have this {special} kind of love for your child. It's like nothing I have ever known, and I feel bad that they don't know that.

I don't know that you can really understand how immensly proud you are of your child as they reach milestones that are so challenging for them, yet they do it. They defy the odds. Proud doesn't even begin to describe it.

Sometimes I see him reaching 3 milestones in a day and growing by leap and bounds, and for a moment, I have peace.

I have peace that everything is going to be okay.

That God is walking Parker through this and that he is going to be just fine.

And so begins my battle of trying to live our life as normal, yet living with the reality of the situation. And I think this is how it is always going to be. And I continue to pray and rely on God for strength.

every. single. day.

So I am hoping and praying, that we will have more and more good days. That as labs come back, they will continue to be positive. That as he grows, milestones are continued to be reached. Learning is had, and that he can live as normal of a life as possible.

That I can be the mother that Parker needs me to be and not let those bad days get the best of me.